... written by an idiot!
What is kite buggying?
Getting pulled around by a large kite while sitting in a glorified shopping trolley/golf cart/wheel barrow thing.
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| Warning - this is not a kite buggy! |
What you need:
Wind – farts do not count, neither do burps. Too little is annoying, too much can kill you – choose wisely.
A kite – something big, it doesn't need a tail and if you bought it at k-mart or nicked it off your kids and it has a picture of Dora the Explorer on it, it probably won’t do the job.
A buggy – three wheels and you sit in it, not the same as those pushed around k-mart by trendy mums, but would probably be worth a go and would get you a lot of hits on YouTube!
Some protection – not condoms, but at least something to protect your head, baseball cap or beanie? A helmet would be better.
How to kite buggy
Part 1 -start by learning to fly the kite
1. Unpack kite.
2. Chase after kite as it blows away.
3. Put something heavy (not child) on kite to stop it blowing away.
4. Attach lines and handles.
5. Take heavy thing off kite.
6. Chase kite lines and handles.
7. Spend next two hours untangling kite and lines.
8. Go home as it’s now dark and wind has dropped.
9. Buy steak from internet.
10. Realise you have bought steak from the internet, have a BBQ and re-order a kite stake.
11. Stake handles, unpack kite.
12. Grab handles, launch kite. End up face planting eating grass/sand/dirt.
13. Chase kite, spend next two hours untangling kite and lines.
Part 1 -start by learning to fly the kite
1. Unpack kite.
2. Chase after kite as it blows away.
3. Put something heavy (not child) on kite to stop it blowing away.
4. Attach lines and handles.
5. Take heavy thing off kite.
6. Chase kite lines and handles.
7. Spend next two hours untangling kite and lines.
8. Go home as it’s now dark and wind has dropped.
9. Buy steak from internet.
11. Stake handles, unpack kite.
12. Grab handles, launch kite. End up face planting eating grass/sand/dirt.
13. Chase kite, spend next two hours untangling kite and lines.
14. Go home - order kite killers from the internet.
15. Stake handles, unpack kite
16. Attach kite killers to handles.
17. Attach kite killers to wrists.
18. Launch kite. Face plant and this time get dragged eating grass/sand/dirt.
19. Remember - Let go of handles!
20. Kite drifts gently to the ground.
21. Go home - order smaller kite from the internet.
22. Stake handles, unpack kite.
23. Grab handles, launch kite.
24. Stay on feet and get dragged 10 meters downwind.
25. Now we’re talking!
26. Start to move kite around.
27. Getting dragged around for 10-15 minutes.
28. Big grin on face.
29. Slip over in some dog-shit.
30. Pack away, go home and throw clothes in bin before entering the house and long shower.
31. Next day can’t move shoulders, arms or hands.
Part 2 -
Now you have become the master of your kite time to try it out in the buggy…
32. Launch kite.
33. Get dragged 10m down-wind and smack legs into buggy. Fall over buggy. Face Plant eat grass/sand/dirt.
34. Let go of kite - Kite drifts gently to the ground.
35. Go to other side of buggy.
36. Launch kite and get dragged 10 meters down wind.
37. Walk back to buggy.
38. Attempt to sit in buggy, kite drops down and get dragged 10 meters down wind.
39. Walk back to buggy.
40. Attempt to sit in buggy, kite drops down and get dragged 10 meters down wind.
41. Walk bag to buggy.
42. With one eye on the kite, one eye on the buggy, you step over the down tube, lower yourself into the seat; tentatively lift your feet onto the foot rests…
15. Stake handles, unpack kite
16. Attach kite killers to handles.
17. Attach kite killers to wrists.
18. Launch kite. Face plant and this time get dragged eating grass/sand/dirt.
19. Remember - Let go of handles!
20. Kite drifts gently to the ground.
21. Go home - order smaller kite from the internet.
22. Stake handles, unpack kite.
23. Grab handles, launch kite.
24. Stay on feet and get dragged 10 meters downwind.
25. Now we’re talking!
26. Start to move kite around.
27. Getting dragged around for 10-15 minutes.
28. Big grin on face.
29. Slip over in some dog-shit.
30. Pack away, go home and throw clothes in bin before entering the house and long shower.
31. Next day can’t move shoulders, arms or hands.
Part 2 -
Now you have become the master of your kite time to try it out in the buggy…
32. Launch kite.
33. Get dragged 10m down-wind and smack legs into buggy. Fall over buggy. Face Plant eat grass/sand/dirt.
34. Let go of kite - Kite drifts gently to the ground.
35. Go to other side of buggy.
36. Launch kite and get dragged 10 meters down wind.
37. Walk back to buggy.
38. Attempt to sit in buggy, kite drops down and get dragged 10 meters down wind.
39. Walk back to buggy.
40. Attempt to sit in buggy, kite drops down and get dragged 10 meters down wind.
41. Walk bag to buggy.
43. Drop the kite into the power zone…
44. The buggy roles forwards…
44. The buggy roles forwards…
45. 5cm…
46. 10cm…
47. 50cm…
48. Here we go - we are buggying…
49. The wind drops, the kite slowly drifts to the ground.
50. You spend the next two hours shouting and screaming at the kite and the wind, then go home sobbing. Start looking for 10m kites on the internet!
Part 3 –
Now you are moving you need to learn how to turn…
51. Downwind turn 1st attempt – kite drifts to the ground, you run over lines, which get tangled in front wheel.
52. Downwind turn 2nd attempt – kite over-powers you OBE.
53. Downwind turn 3rd attempt – kite slams into ground, you apply breaks, kite reverse launches fully powered, you OBE.
54. Downwind turn 4th attempt – kite starts to bow tie, you recover it, it overpowers, you OBE.
55. Downwind turn 5th attempt – nail it!
56. Now you’re going back the way you came from.
57. The speed is increasing.
58. Woohoo! This is awesome…
59. It’s getting faster…
60. Shit! How do I stop this thing…
Part 4 –
Kite buggies don’t have brakes!
61. Let go of the handles!
62. The kite drifts to the ground, the buggy coasts to a stop...
63. The kite ends up stuck in a tree!
64. Use your feet? Hm! Broken ankles.
65. Put the kite behind you - OBE.
66. Run into something or someone!
67. Learn to power-slide (excellent!).
Part 5 -
Now you are a kite buggier...
68. Join the forums and tell everybody what to do.
69. Get lots of videos and post them on Vimeo and YouTube.
Disclaimer...
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